Erm, okay…
I was such a narcotically naive numpty back in 1996 when I first got to London that I thought they called “crack” cocaine by that title in honour of the crevice in which it was smuggled across the border…
I’m not talking about marching powder here (much). I’m going to instead blurt on about the black stuff. No, not oil, nor guinness, but the black stuff (usually of the diet variety) that punters looked upon to try to drown and disguise the foul taste of the cheap’n’cheeful bath cleaner grade rum we used to flog.
I have a vague memory that in the pub/drinks trade back then (and likely nowadays too), that if a customer requested a “coke” it was important that he/she/them was/were informed that they would be getting “pepsi” if all you had was pepsi. If one only had coke, then one needn’t worry. If you had both, then they’d get what they originally asked for.
I somehow recall this being relayed to me, when a newbie barmonkey, as a legal requirement. I haven’t checked this legality up, and why would I let something as whimsical as a wee factoid get in the way of a good story. Or, in this case a pretty shoddy one.
So…
Punter: “Can I have a diet coke…”
Barmonkey: (me) “We only have pepsi, is that okay?”
Punter: “is it diet?”
Barmonkey: (me) “we have diet pepsi.”
Punter: “well then…” (Punter irritated, shakes head erratically as if Punter is talking to a very retarded dumb waiter asking if she wants either a fork or a fork.)
Or…
Punter: “Gissa pint o’lager, and a rum and coke”
Barmonkey: (me) “we only have pepsi…”
Punter: “yeah, that’s what I asked for – coke!”
Barmonkey: (me) “Uugh, yeah, whatever (probably the umteenth time I’d been through that dreary routine that very shift…), d’ya want ice’nd lemon wiv dat?”
In truth, no-one gave a shit. Except maybe the pepsi peeps that is. I remember highly alleged rumblings about threatened legal action against bar staff for misrepresenting one brand or another, as in the punter asking generically for brand A but gets brand B without being informed.
I wonder how that would sit in court? A major multi national corporation suing the absolute buttock, sphincter, ring and pucker off of one miserable destitute little barmonkey, who was back then earning a measly three pounds an hour.
All for the dastardly crime of using the easiest, most commonly trodden generic term, to make the transaction pass more efficiently.
So myself being a wonderment of creativity (pah!), I’d figured that if we simply found a new collective catchment term for all branded and unbranded variants of this black fizzy liquid, it’d most likely only offpiss a splash of legally entitled angry marketing suited peeps. It would however make most non beer orders at the bar mildly more bearable.
My first suggestion was “brewer’s bathwater”. This wasn’t particularly creative, relevant or funny.
So, in a moment of ironic flash inspiration, I decided from then on to refer to all forms of cola simply as “charlie” – charlie being the local common handle given to the aforementioned marching powder.
I’m happy to confess now (but wasn’t back then) that I had in fact previously heard of cola being referred to by cocaine’s nickname and I’d simply stolen the idea, from a fellow bar keep in another pub.
Still, ’twas the greatest moment ever during my bar service to finally have a punter come up to me and ask for :-
“One pint of diet charlie wiv ice and lemon, please, and a double jack and charlie, mate! – fankyou!”
I almost had to hoover up the heroin I’ve just spilt all over my apple.
gazmungus' arsedom 